Weird and Wild ‘Yahoo Answers’ About Natives

Simon Moya-Smith
1/18/14

Where do you go to ask questions about Native Americans if you don’t have a Native American chum readily available to satiate your curiosity? Well, the Internet, of course.

Here are 10 of the most outrageous, unique and ‘Are you serious?’ questions asked on Yahoo Answers. Let’s see if we can answer a few, shall we?

1. Do I look Native American?

It’s hard to tell. Your avatar is too small.

2. Which is more politically correct: Native American, or American Indian?

How about: “The-millions-and-millions-of-people-who-were-here-before-everyone-else-and-got-robbed-by-land-and-gold-horny-settlers”? I know it’s long, but it’s more accurate than the former, don’t you think? Yeppers.

3. Jewish Holocaust and Native American Genocide?

Similarity: Both were brutal. Difference: The U.S. recognizes one, but not the other.

4. Why do white people hate Native Americans?

I wouldn’t say all of them do, user who goes by the screen name Butterfly, but to those who, in fact, do hate Native Americans I would say it’s because we’re awesome, sexy, smart, resilient, talented and pretty good at making out.

5. What is Native American Day?

It’s the day when you’re really fat on turkey and stuffing and wait in long lines in the cold to purchase things that’ll be out of date in a week or rendered useless after the warranty expires – otherwise known as “Black Friday.” Seriously. Black Friday is also Native American Heritage Day. Thanks, Bush.

6. Native American men????

I think Wab Kinew is married … or is he engaged? I don’t know. Is Thosh Collins single? And dear Chaske Spencer, if you ever bump into my mother, I swear, man, just hightail it the other direction. She’s handsy. … Oh, and yes, the question: You can find fine Native men at libraries, coffee shops and pow wows, among a bevy of other haunts. Happy hunting.

7. Why do so many Americans claim to be part Native American?

I would say we answered this one in question No. 4.

8. If Native American ancestors came from Asia, why aren’t we part Asian?

WAIT … WE’RE NOT?????? (*rolls his eyes.)

9. Were Native Americans barbarians?

I would vehemently argue that it was the Spanish and the British who were the barbarians in this case, and so would the readily available evidence. If you would like to read about their savagery, I would suggest Howard Zinn’s “A People’s History of the United States”, Bartolomé de las Casas’ “A Short Account of the Destruction of the Indies” and James W. Loewen’s “Lies My Teacher Told Me: Everything Your American History Textbook Got Wrong.” Happy reading.

10. Why are there no famous Native American actors?

Oh, there are. It’s like Bollywood. Bollywood has its celebrities and so does Indian country.

Still, once today’s conglomerate studio heads recognize Native American actors as contemporary thespians ready for the world stage, and not merely figurines capable of only playing the limited role of the noble savage or angry drunk, then you’ll see our indigenous actors in lead, box office roles.

The short answer: Because – Johnny Depp.

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Comments

chahta ohoyo's picture
chahta ohoyo
Submitted by chahta ohoyo on
simon...congrats with some great come backs...maybe you could expand this idea into a whole book (or 2, or 3?) thanx for makin' my day!!

Michael Madrid's picture
Michael Madrid
Submitted by Michael Madrid on
Thanks for a good laugh, Mr. Moya-Smith. I'm currently reading "Everything You Wanted to Know About Indians but were Afraid to Ask," by Anton Treuer. It surprises me the questions most people ask. It saddens me that they don't know how to find the answers.
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