If Only! 'Columbus Day Cancelled' & 9 Other Long-Overdue Headlines
State Governors Agree to Stay Out of Tribal Affairs
Collectively realizing that tribal nations are sovereign nations and need to be treated as such, all 50 United States governors have agreed that they will stop meddling in tribal issues. The agreement, which was created by previous California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger states, “Let’s stop this state compacts thing and just stop getting in everyone’s way.”
Columbus Day Cancelled—Now Native Americans Day
“Due to the atrocities committed by Columbus, we hereby cancel Columbus Day,” said Clarence Thomas the most vocal of the Supreme Court this Friday in relation to the Columbus Day ruling. “We all know that Columbus sold slaves, participated in the kidnap of children and was taken back in shackles to his home—why should he be honored with a U.S. Holiday?”
“Now let’s rule on Thanksgiving,” said a smiling Thomas.
Redskins, Chiefs and Braves to Participate in Change the Mascot Day
Straight on the Heels of Dan Snyder’s apologetic comments to fans, all teams bearing a Native-themed mascot will be changing their team names to something embarrassing like the Washington Broccoli Florets, the Kansas City Milk and Cookies, the Atlanta Inchworms, the Cleveland Dog Poops or other potentially suitable names. The changes are part of a nationwide Change the Mascot Day. “Hey we’ve embarrassed Native people for many years, now we should be the ones embarrassed,” said one Atlanta Inchworm fan.
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