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How Did I Miss That? Iron Man Suit; Rapper Severs Ties With Member

Steve Russell
4/25/14

The military-speak name for apparel that Foreign Policy reports brings “super-human strength, sophisticated sensors that respond to brain functions, and an exoskeleton made of liquid armor” is TALOS, for “Tactical Light Operator Suit.” TALOS is being created by an odd amalgam of corporate people, including Boeing, Nike, Lockheed Martin, Under Armour, and Adidas. Prototype testing begins this summer with deployment by 2018. The grunts just call it the “Iron Man Suit.”

“There is no truth to the rumor,” my cousin Ray Sixkiller assured me, “that a college intern was bitten by a radioactive spider during the development of TALOS.”

With the Army downsizing, maybe the Iron Man Suit will make fewer troops more formidable. New grooming regulations have banned cornrows and dreadlocks, as well as tattoos on the face, neck, hands, fingers, and lower arms. The former hits mostly black women and the latter hits a number of indigenous peoples, particularly Alaska natives and Pacific Islanders. “That stuff will last about as long as it takes to get into another war,” predicted Cousin Ray, “or until everybody gets an Iron Man mask.”

The US Navy has released video of an experimental electromagnetic railgun that fires a projectile at Mach 7 using electricity rather than gunpowder. Rear Adm. Matthew Klunder, chief of naval research, is quoted by Foreign Policy comparing the railgun to weaponry in Star Wars. Cousin Ray is holding out for the Death Star, now that the death panels have been cut loose from Obamacare to work on something even more homicidal.

The Massachusetts Institute of Technology is working on an elaborate algorithm to measure historical significance of human beings called Pantheon. It measures fame, understood as “cultural production.” To make the cut to fame on this level, a person must be mentioned in at least 25 different languages of Wikipedia. Lots of soccer players made it, but only one American football player: OJ Simpson. “I lost interest,” grumped Cousin Ray, “when Will Rogers didn’t make the cut.”

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