Moya-Smith: 6 Banal Defenses of Columbus Day, And How You Should Respond to the Moron
Glaring contradictions. Stupid fucking lies, and good ol’ American bullshit.
Yes, folks today we are talking U.S. history, and there’s nothing more politically correct than American History. It’s RIFE with soft language to spare the feelings of fuckers who desperately want to believe their homesteading great-grand-pappy wasn’t a murdering, raping, thief.
OK. So today let’s hit on the numbskullery surrounding Columbus Day. “Why in January?” you ask. Well because Colorado State House Representative Joseph Salazar, a democrat, is currently working to repeal the foul thing from the state’s list of recognized holidays. And lately he has received an onslaught of hate mail from dipshits who don’t seem to understand the seemingly elusive concept of logic and facts.
Recently, Rep. Salazar has been forwarding me these messages, and they range from fucking hilarious to seriously fucking delusional. They’re more on the seriously fucking delusional side, though.
So, I thought I’d share with you some responses you can use against the common, hackneyed pro-Columbus Day arguments you will surely continue to encounter for as long as you engage the willfully blind. Feel free to share the following with your friends or family, or maybe just that fucker who sits at the end of the bar incessantly defending the bullshit American narrative as written. (Remember: The American narrative HATES to be fact-checked. So fact-check that goddamn thing any time you can.)
Okey dokey, here’s what you can say to those dullards spewing trite claims and arguments about Columbus and Columbus Day, and let us start with the most common and least accurate:
1. “Columbus discovered America.” Bullshit. Columbus, the great stumbler, HAPPENED upon this area of the globe. He didn’t “discover” it. I happen upon shit all the time. So do you, probably. There’s a restaurant in Denver that’s better than sex, but I didn’t fucking discover the place – I happened upon it on my way to the bank to ask them why they charged me for another bullshit fee. The people and the fantastic restaurant have been there for a long goddamn time – long before I blundered in.
Simply put, you can’t discover a place that has millions of people with complex languages and sophisticated governments of which the U.S. would eventually adopt, I might add (ahem, the Iroquois Confederacy, ahem).
And wrap your beautiful brain around this shit: Had Native Americans – a foreign body of people – “traveled the ocean blue in 1492” in a fleet of vessels to Spain carrying weapons and arriving uninvited and unexpectedly it would have been considered an INVASION! Not a “discovery of a new world.” And we know this because Europe at that time was a war-like continent with hot-headed monarchs who’d flinch at the first flutter of any flag not their own. So why is “discovery” acceptable language? It isn’t! It was a goddamn invasion. Columbus and every European “settler” [there’s that P.C. language again] should be called an “invader.” Remember, U.S. history is seriously P.C. If it wasn’t, every year on Thanksgiving Americans would be calling the colonists “undocumented farm workers.”
And another thing: You can’t subscribe to the Bering Strait Theory, the idea that Native Americans trekked over a land bridge from Asia to what is now North America 10,000 years ago, AND say Columbus discovered America. It’s one or the other! If you believe in the Bering Strait Theory then WE, Native Americans, discovered America. Either way, the holiday is completely without merit.
2. “But it’s my day off.” Nobody is trying to take your day off. Shit, I'm a big believer in the regenerative powers of a day off. In fact, I think Americans work way too goddamn much and get paid way too goddamn little. Were it up to me, three-day weekends would be mandatory, and every day at noon, after you get back from your two-hour lunch, it’s nap time, baby. Hell yes. But what I can’t get behind is a holiday named to honor a genocidal maniac who reveled in the enslavement and massacre of indigenous men, women, and children. So, let’s repeal Columbus Day and institute Indigenous Peoples Day as a federal fucking holiday, and then there we go. You’ve still got your day off. Problem solved. Let’s move on.
3. “Columbus was a man of his time.” Buuuuullllshiiiiit! Today, all the across the globe, people are being murdered and hanged and raped and forcefully removed off their ancestral land by self-interested, religious radicals and zealots with a predilection for dismembering people in the name of God and glory. Sound familiar? Right. It’s Columbus shit, folks. The only difference is that the beheadings are now viewed instantly across the globe via this new thing called the Internet instead of just by some unlucky onlooker who was there to witness the savage brutality.
The day this kind of evil shit ceases in the world is the day you can tell me “Columbus was a man of his time.” Until then, you can tell these cretins who make this ignorant argument Simon says “Fuck you. Get up-to-date.” And just a heads up, fellow fact finders: Columbus was tried for crimes against humanity. By his fellow murder-happy brethren. Even they thought he was that bad.
4. “I just didn’t know.” OK, well here are some other things you probably didn’t know:
· Columbus would hang 13 Indians at a time – one for each of the 12 apostles, and one more in the name of Jesus Christ
· Columbus and his bastard sailors would test the sharpness of their swords and blades on the flesh of any indigenous man, woman or child within arm’s reach. And speaking of kids …
· The sailors who beat the children would also feed them to the dogs – and the kids were still living when they did this, I should add.
This provable list of unfortunate events continues [you now have a homework assignment]. What folks don’t know is a lot, because the U.S. doesn’t want us to know a lot. Simply put. This country sure as shit doesn’t want you to think critically or conscientiously about how it was born and how it came to be in power. There are bundles of skeletons in all corners of the American closet, and this country savagely protects that closet like a congressman defends his cell phone. You know one of them is on Grindr.
Also, “I just didn’t know” doesn’t fly like it used to. These days, you don’t have to trundle into the nearest library to conduct research. It’s at your fingertips now with your smart phone and laptop or whatever you have, assuming you have one of these. Furthermore, Native Americans are all over social media responding in real-time to American bullshit and blunders. You’ve got Ruth Hopkins, Sarah Sunshine Manning, Tara Houska, Frank Waln, Dr. Adrienne Keene, and oodles upon oodles of other Native Americans on social media who’ll enlighten you and share the wisdom that has been suppressed by this country for so long. Get the hell off Tinder and follow these folks. You’ll thank me in the morning.
5. “Should we get rid of President’s Day, too, then?” Hell yes, we should! The “Founding Fathers” and their ilk were enslaving, murdering, raping, thieving, prison-camping, homophobic, sexists who wanted a pure race of their kind FOR their kind. Sounds like the Third Reich to me. And I, for one, have no problem not celebrating a day set aside for Abraham Lincoln, Andrew Jackson, and other Indian killers who I hope are receiving good swift, repetitive kicks to their jewels every goddamn morning, wherever the hell they are.
6. “It’s not about Columbus, really. It’s about Italian pride.” Bullshit! It’s called Columbus Day, isn’t it? It’s certainly not called, “Italian Pride Day.” And if it’s not about Columbus as these apologists oft assert, then why such resistance to changing the fucking name!? Right. Because it IS about Columbus. Don’t allow these trolls to subvert the discussion with dissimulation and cheap parlor tricks. Everything is in the language used. EVERYTHING. … EVERYTHING!
Just to give you an idea, the Kansas City Chiefs are guilty of this shit, too. Fans of the opulent franchise argue, “Our mascot isn’t an Indian. It’s a wolf.” Bullshit! Your goddamn mascot is a chief, and no one is showing up in the stands at Arrowhead Field dressed like a fucking wolf. They’re showing up in redface and faux feathers, tomahawk chopping like mindless fat fucking beer breath shit-headed sheep. Same thing goes for the “It’s not about Columbus” fuckers. They are cheap, dilettante magicians who roll the dice that you’re a moron and you won’t see their trickery. But you’re not a moron. For example, you know, YOU KNOW, that people couldn’t call it Hitler Day and then tell us it’s simply about German pride. Let’s be real here. That shit wouldn’t fly.
There’s no end to bullshit and lies in this country. It’s mass produced and sold like religion. So, I’m sure you’ve been approached with other sideways arguments to justify Columbus Day that I possibly didn’t list here. Go ahead and add yours. I’d be pleased to read it. … But don’t be a goddamn troll about it. A troll is a faceless, spineless contrarian for the sake of being a contrarian who cowers safely behind a screen and anonymity. Trolls lack the courage of their conviction, so they wear a hood. Sound like any group you’ve heard of? Me, too.
Anyway, fuck trolls and fuck Columbus Day. Cheers. :)
Simon Moya-Smith, Oglala Lakota, is the Culture Editor at Indian Country Today. Follow him on Twitter @simonmoyasmith.
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