Breaking News: Scarlett Johansson Is Hot, the Sky is Blue, Mitt is an Elitist, and Other Shocking Developments

Gyasi Ross

The results of some very serious investigative reporting just came in, with the following revelation: Apparently, Mitt Romney is a rich, white (although he wishes he were Mexican), elitist… Um, doy (I think that’s what the kids are saying these days). The “gotcha” politics of the 2000’s are hilarious—even though everybody knows a particular thing about a particular person, everybody pretends that they do not know that particular thing so that it can seem like a surprise when it is confirmed. Scandalous. Headline worthy. To wit, people knew that John Edwards was a douchebag before he got caught siphoning off campaign funds to pay for his mistress—the fact that he would’ve torpedoed his party’s chances in 2008 only confirmed that. Everybody already knew that Bill Clinton was laying much pipe outside the cozy confines of his marriage (remember Gennifer Flowers?? Ewwww); the slippery answer about "what the meaning of the word 'is' is" only confirmed that. Every person in the world—I mean “everybody,” infants, Democrats, Republicans, Satanists, his mama—knew that George W. Bush was an idiot; but people jumped on his every gaffe as if it was a surprise. Now, Mitt Romney. The son of a governor. Gazillionaire. Perfect hair. And folks are acting surprised that he is an elitist? C’mon man … quit lying—everybody and their mama knew that he wouldn’t pee on a person making less than $250K if that person was on fire… Indeed, I submit that nobody (including you!!) is surprised about Mitt Romney’s video about the poor and unemployed; everybody’s faking indignation. It’s all for effect. I further submit that anybody who is truly shocked by this “revelation” is a rube and I have a bridge to sell you.

In fact, it would have been substantially more surprising if there was some secret underground video—made of the same stuff that “black boxes” in airplane crashes are made of—of Mitt Romney saying “I love poor people and I will do anything and everything possible, as President of the United States of America, to help eradicate poverty. We rich people with perfect hair just have not done enough. We are bastards and shame on us.” That would have been a surprise. This? This isn’t news; this is merely par for the course—come back when you have some real breaking news. Gyasi Ross is a member of the Blackfeet Nation and his family also belongs to the Suquamish Nation. He wrote a book called Don’t Know Much About Indians (but i wrote a book about us anyways) which you can get at He is also co-authoring a new book with Robert Chanate coming out in 2012 appropriately called The Thing About Skins, and the website and publishing company for that handy-dandy book is (coming soon). He also semi-does the twitter thing at

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gsevalikova's picture
Submitted by gsevalikova on
Could not have said it better- the real news is mostly on foreign sites, or alternatives like, who has a story about one Chinese Gen. general telling the military it must now prepare for war with Japan- Gen. Xu Caihou says it. Or Business Insider's military/combat section ( America just is not prepared to fight the major war Russia/China/Iran,ect. have waiting for us all!

markanderson's picture
Submitted by markanderson on
Why is it when George W. Bush earned an MBA from Harvard University and carried a GPA better than 3.5 he is an idiot? I find this kind of commentary disingenuous and mean spirited and from a source that is supposed to appreciate and respect individuals regardless of race, color, creed, or ethnicity, such commentary is unethical and unworthy of this publication. Shame on you Mr. Ross, you make not like Mr. Bush, and that's fine but to call him an idiot only makes you seem racist, ethnocentric and ignorant and that's too bad.

tfodder's picture
Submitted by tfodder on
"To wit, people knew that Jonathan Edwards was a douchebag before he got caught siphoning off campaign funds to pay for his mistress—the fact that he would’ve torpedoed his party’s chances in 2008 only confirmed that." I think you mean John Edwards, the disgraced former Senator and Democratic Presidential candidate from North Carolina. Jonathan Edwards was a New England minister and theologian...

editors's picture
Submitted by editors on
Thank you for your comment! The story has been corrected.

gyasiross's picture
Submitted by gyasiross on
HA!! You're right...!! Y'know, I even checked that but forgot to change it...thank you!!

smoke's picture
Submitted by smoke on
Scarlett Johansson? Nah. Tonantzin Carmelo. Much better.

osprey43's picture
Submitted by osprey43 on
You can say what you want about Mit R, but the person in the white house is a wolf in a sheep's clothing to our people. You know what to expect from a white man but I compare Obama to the buffalo soldier who claimed to be our brothers and were trained by the whites to kill them instead of resisting and standing by their claim to be our friends.