AP
If Liam Neeson has his way, horses like this won't end up on the dole.

How Did I Miss That? Liam Neeson Rescues Horses; Russell Crowe Banned

Steve Russell
3/14/14

Former Army Light Colonel and former Tea Party Congressman Allen West, who once criticized active duty generals for “blindly following a commander in chief that really does not have the best intent for our military” and called for censorship of Wikileaks material in the US, is announcing the First Annual Allen West Boot Camp, where you can be taught the political ropes by the guy who warned that liberal women “are neutering American men,” join Col. West in his “morning work out,” and attend “a special reception with Donald Trump.” Cousin Ray was tempted. “I’d pay to see The Donald’s hairpiece up close—but would I have to listen to him talk?”

The Wall Street Journal reported that President Hamid Karzai’s brother has withdrawn from the upcoming Afghanistan elections and endorsed another candidate. “Proving,” Cousin Ray snarked, “that opium pays more than graft.”

The Marine Corps Times reported that medically retired Cpl. William Carpenter, now a student at the University of South Carolina, will become the second living Marine to receive the Medal of Honor in our recent wars. He fell on a grenade to shield another Marine from the blast on an Afghanistan rooftop in 2010. “Since that guy has been through about 30 surgeries,” Cousin Ray pointed out, “I guess we should be grateful that President Karzai’s opium pals keep the price of morphine down.”

The news broke on March 11 that the CIA has been spying on and manipulating the data received by the Senate Intelligence Committee, which is tasked with overseeing the CIA. The immediate issue was a report still not released on CIA use of torture…ah..er…that’s “enhanced interrogation techniques.” Torture is illegal and subject to cultural interpretation. We hanged Japanese POWs after WWII for, among other things, waterboarding American POWs. “You just put your finger on why the report is taking so long,” Cousin Ray asserted. “The CIA admits to waterboarding, so the issue is whether Arabs are enough like white people to make it torture?”

Fox Business reported last month that the British Serious Fraud Office filed criminal charges against three former employees of Barclays Bank for rigging the London Interbank Offered Rate (LIBOR). It was the spiking of the LIBOR that froze the credit market and kicked off the Great Recession. The US didn’t charge any bankers with fraud for crafting the mortgage-backed securities that they knew contained bad loans and then selling credit default swaps against those securities in amounts they could not pay because they were, like Barclays, “too big to fail.”

The New York Times reported this week that Banamex, a Mexican subsidiary of Citigroup, has lost $400 million in fraudulent loans involving an oil services company, Oceanografía, that was supposed to provide services to the Mexican oil monopoly, Pemex. Cousin Ray was chuckling about bankers in the UK and Mexico getting in hot water for fraud. “In the US,” Cousin Ray schooled me, “that ain’t fraud. That’s enhanced investment techniques.”

The Dallas Morning News reports that the Six Flags Over Texas amusement park is blaming the manufacturer for a death on the Texas Giant roller coaster and the German manufacturer is blaming Six Flags. Rosa Esparza, 52, died when she fell from the ride, which has now re-opened with long lines. Cousin Ray complained that those rides are only supposed to simulate a near death experience “and remember, if they make a mistake, that’s not negligence. That’s just enhanced entertainment techniques.”

The Associated Press reported that Glenn Ford, 64, has been released after 26 years on Louisiana’s death row for a murder that happened when, the court found, he was not present. WAFB-TV asked him if he “harbored any resentment?” “Yeah…I’ve been locked up almost 30 years for something I didn’t do.” Mr. Ford was, according to Cousin Ray, “plainly a victim of enhanced prosecution techniques.”

This column is finished in Tahlequah, where I came to get my tribal photo ID. Cousin Ray just about missed the wrap-up, and when he got back, he explained the Cherokee Marshal Service had stopped him. I sighed and asked him how much the ticket would cost this time? “I didn’t get a ticket,” Ray said proudly, “I convinced the marshal that all he saw were enhanced traveling techniques.”

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JaneVP's picture
JaneVP
Submitted by JaneVP on
My favorite lines: “If you want to keep the minimum wage low to benefit the working poor,” Cousin Ray reminded me, “it only makes sense to cut the School Lunch Program to benefit poor kids.” Rep. Paul Ryan: “What they’re offering people is a full stomach and an empty soul.” Cousin Ray Sixkiller: “Even Ayn Rand reads a little better on a full stomach..."

rockymissouri's picture
rockymissouri
Submitted by rockymissouri on
Tahlequah is such a beautiful and historical place. I felt it touch my heart.
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