Mormonism founder Joseph Smith sure was a busy guy.

How Did I Miss That? The Many Wives of Joseph Smith

Steve Russell

The Washington Post splashed the front page with the beginning of a series on the N word, which the Post reported is used 500,000 times a day on Twitter. The article within that series about the etymology of the slur made me pine for an identical analysis of the R word. Did it really come from the time of bounties on human scalps or was the term coined for the very purpose of honoring the Noble Red Man? If the etymology does not matter, why do the defenders of the slur make up one to serve their purpose?

The NFL has determined to throw flags on players who utter the N word in the heat of the game under the existing rule against abusive language rather than giving the slur a rule of its own. Richard Sherman, the colorful cornerback for the Seahawks, called an N word rule “an atrocious idea.”

Students of film history can hardly miss the controversy over Clark Gable delivering the first on screen profanity, Rhett to Scarlett: “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” The script for Gone With the Wind, like the book, was littered with the N word before the censors did their work.

Speaking of censors, how did the Mormons miss that? The New York Times reported that the Mormon church has been pushed by the Internet to admit some of the more controversial parts of Mormon history: Joseph Smith had approximately 40 wives, the youngest 14, and on several occasions he married women already married to others. “I was surprised,” said my cousin Ray Sixkiller, “that a Mormon whose wife dies can be sealed to another woman, meaning that there is still polygamy in heaven. But a woman can’t be sealed to more than one man.”

Julia Amalia Heyer published a series in Der Spiegel, “The Lost Children,” about the thousands of middle class children who have left Western Europe to join the jihad blazing in the Middle East. The series started in France, which is thought to have “contributed” about 100 teenage girls. “Several religions,” Cousin Ray noted helpfully, “teach about polygamy in heaven."

Nicholas Kristoff wrote more about teen sex and motherhood in The New York Times. U.S. teenagers are sexually active only a tiny bit before European teenagers, but European politicians respond to teenage hormones in a more grownup manner. As a result of public policies, Kristoff points out, “the American teenage birthrate is three times Spain’s rate, five times France’s, and 15 times Switzerland’s.” Teenage pregnancies in the U.S. happen at a rate of one a minute and 82 percent of them are unplanned.

A Florida website, TCPalm, posted surveillance video of a shoplifter stuffing a small chainsaw down the front of his pants and waddling out the door. Cousin Ray said he really, no kidding, did not relate that item to birth control until he put the item above together with the one below.

Paper magazine scored a viral tweet with a preview of their cover, which featured a NSFW picture of Kim Kardashian’s naked butt. The Washington Post claimed that Kardashian had an X-ray on her reality show to prove she has not had butt implants. Cousin Ray had never heard of butt implants, but he took advantage of the revelation to wonder if so many Indian males lack butts because they have donated them for transplant to white females?

Presumptive Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky continues to promise de-fund the Environmental Protection Agency and, with any luck, investigate it until it has no money to do anything but respond to subpoenas. The incoming Chair of the Senate Environment and Public Works Committee is James Mountain Inhofe of Oklahoma, author of The Greatest Hoax: How the Global Warming Conspiracy Threatens Your Future. I was thinking by the time these guys get though, H. sapiens will be on the endangered species list. “No way,” Cousin Ray corrected me. “There won’t be an endangered species list.”

I had to remind Ray about a CNN report on climate change that claimed humans have “hunted the dildo to extinction.” After lecturing me about the childishness in dildo jokes, he pointed out that on November 12, Megyn Kelly dropped the F-bomb on Fox News when introducing Mike Huckabee, a slip that apparently involved nothing more sinister than the rhyme with it in the first syllable of Huckabee’s name.

House Speaker John Boehner is the trail boss of more Republicans than have been in the House since 1929. And some of us know what happened then. Jon Stewart: “Historical context. It’s why old people are sad.”

Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-Louisiana) seems so certain to lose her runoff that the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee has pulled away national money. In response, Landrieu has come out swinging with a thirty second spot that encourages voters to watch a complete speech by her opponent, Bill Cassidy. To call Cassidy’s oration “bizarre” is a huge understatement, but you have to listen to him for a while before he runs off the rails. Spending money to invite voters to listen to your opponent will go down in political history as…well, as what depends on whether she pulls her race out.


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Michael Madrid's picture
Michael Madrid
Submitted by Michael Madrid on
I absolutely LOVE reading anything Mr. Russell and Cousin Ray have to say! I would like to remind them what Canadian Richard Blount wrote about Obama. It seems to me that most Americans have the attention span of three year olds. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Consider, right now in America, corporate profits are at record highs, the country’s adding 200,000 jobs per month, unemployment is below 6%, U.S. gross national product growth is the best of the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development (OECD) countries The stock market is near record highs, gasoline prices are falling, there’s no inflation, interest rates are the lowest in 30 years, U.S. oil imports are declining, U.S. oil production is rapidly increasing, the deficit is rapidly declining, and the wealthy are still making astonishing amounts of money. So, Americans vote for the party that got you into the mess that Obama just dug you out of? This defies reason. - See more at: