Sasquatch, back in his heyday.

How Did I Miss That? AZ Sasquatch; DC Nuts

Steve Russell
1/9/15

The Arizona Department of Transportation showed a better sense of humor than your average state agency by posting on Facebook a sly suggestion that a screen grab from a surveillance camera showed “a family of sasquatches on SR 260...” The result was almost 3,000 shares, and AZ-DOT let over 2,000 comments get posted before they claimed they were pranking.

“Yeah, that’s what they claimed,” my cousin Ray Sixkiller chortled. “They didn’t say what the camera really showed.” My own observation is that I don’t recall any previous Bigfoot sightings involving half a dozen or so together.

Louie “Asparagus” Gohmert ran for Speaker of the House against John “Orange Man” Boehner! Rhea over at the beauty shop commented to a friend of mine, “The Democrats are like a box of chocolates: It’s not always clear where the nuts are. The Republicans are like a sundae: All the biggest nuts are right there on top.”

Right wing blog The Blaze headlined the news, calling Gohmert “a heavy hitter.” My Republican Cousin Ray was less enthusiastic, “Maybe he’s a heavy hitter if he’s swinging at the asparagus.”

Is this Sasquatch? We're gonna say no.

In a nut harvest begun last week, the scandal over the address by House Majority Whip Steve Scalise to the European-American Unity and Rights Organization (EURO) ramped up when former Grand Wizard David Duke threatened to reveal a list of Republicans and Democrats who had sought out his support. Cousin Ray commented, “It looks like they might run out of room under the bus.”

Several Oklahoma TV stations reported on Senate Bill 13 by GOP state senator Don Barrington that would outlaw wearing hoodies in public, but some of the reports did not mention Barrington’s name. “If they accused me of getting behind that law,” Cousin Ray snorted, “I’d sue them for defamation!”

The penalty for wearing a hoody in public in Oklahoma would be up to a year in jail and a $500 fine. Cousin Ray was thankful for small favors. “In Florida, it carries the death penalty.”

Deseret News reported that the Egyptian government has banned Exodus: Gods and Kings because of an alleged lack of historical accuracy. The new film joins Noah and The Da Vinci Code in being unable to get past the Egyptian censors. Holy books, like other sacred stories, are made of metaphors, not facts. In Joseph Campbell’s words, “All religions are true but none are literal.”

In another collision of myth and fact, NewHistorian reported that the Governor’s Office of Tokat, Turkey, is restoring and promises to put a live webcam in a dungeon once inhabited by Wallachian Prince Vlad III AKA Vlad Țepeș AKA Vlad the Impaler AKA Vlad Drăculea AKA Count Dracula. Other historians claim that Count Dracula, who lived from 1431 to 1476 according to those who believe he died, was briefly locked up in Romania, not Turkey.

Those of us who watched the beginning of Gulf War I remember the Iraqi Air Force either blown out of the sky or destroyed on the ground. Even one of the Saudi princes got a kill. In 2014, Iraq “took delivery” of 36 F-16s….which are “stationed” in Arizona because Iraq has no air base safe enough from ISIS to fly them.

Civilian aviation gave us sad holiday news when AirAsia Flight 8501 went missing with 162 people on board. This time, the plane disappeared from radar on Sunday and the debris were located by Tuesday. This was a sharp contrast with Malaysia Airlines Flight 370, which has still not been found or even accounted for in any persuasive narrative. AirAsia and its CEO have gotten high marks for crisis management, but the crash became the occasion for The New York Times to observe that Indonesian airlines have 25 times the fatalities of U.S. airlines but they only pay about twice as much for insurance.

Moving from airline tragedy to comedy, the BBC reported that the former Korean Airlines executive who threw a hissy fit upon being served macadamia nuts in a bag rather than on a plate as been arrested on a warrant from a South Korean court. Cho Hyun-ah, 40, was charged with interfering with a flight crew and another executive was also charged with destroying evidence in a case that has become known as “Nut Rage.”

The BBC also managed to snag an interview with the pilot of the Virgin Atlantic Boeing 747 that lost the functioning of one of its main landing gear on December 29. Interrupting a trip to Las Vegas, the pilot circled for several hours to burn off fuel and then executed what Virgin called a “non-standard landing procedure” on the remaining three sets of wheels.

Slate reported on a piece of bigotry unseen in the South since the disobedience campaign against Brown v. Board of Education. A formerly reputable law firm, Greenberg Traurig, sent a memo to all county clerks asserting that the court decision overturning Florida’s anti-gay marriage law only applied to the particular clerk named in the lawsuit. This would be like claiming Brown only applied to Topeka, and any first year law student knows better.

Meanwhile, a group of clerks hostile to the Court’s opinion and gay people has decided to do away with courthouse weddings rather than marry gay people, sort of like Jackson, Mississippi once got away with shutting down the swimming pools for all because otherwise they would have to let blacks swim.

Cousin Ray was glum. “I lived though the fifties once already. It’s hard to understand anybody hating enough to do that again.”

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