How Did I Miss That? Trump and Jesus Speak; Clerk Won’t Work

Steve Russell

My Republican cousin Ray Sixkiller and I are seldom ROFL over the same political ad, but this one does not count because it’s not a political ad. Azteca is the second largest media outfit in Mexico and their TV channel of the same name is headquartered in Glendale, California. When Azteca bought the rights to broadcast the October 10 fútbol game between the Mexican and U.S. national teams, some genius came up with the best political ad of the season.

The Cherokee Phoenix reported that the Cherokee Marshal Service responded to vandalism of the Sanders Flats, Oklahoma Cherokee Baptist Church. The destruction was bad enough the entire interior had to be gutted and the damage was accompanied by graffiti indicating the perpetrators were big fans of Satan. Three juveniles confessed to the vandalism by the next day, but Satan was still at large.

Salon quoted the anti-Satan Kentucky clerk who won’t work, Kim Davis, “ I never imagined a day like this would come, where I would be asked to violate a central teaching of Scripture and of Jesus Himself regarding marriage.” Really? Central teaching?

Asked for comment, Jesus said:

Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

Not sure I heard right, I asked Jesus what happens if a person gets a divorce? Jesus replied:

Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.

Cousin Ray admonished me not to doubt that Kim Davis is in favor of protecting traditional marriages. “After all, she’s had four of them.”

Jesus wasn’t done, though. After reminding me the Christian mullahs couldn’t find much support for their idea of hell in the New Testament, he showed me a plan he had drawn up to scare public officials “who need to either render service to Caesar or quit taking Caesar’s shekels.”

Jesus showed me a shabby building about the size of a Motel 6 and said that’s where clerks who defend marriage by refusing marriage licenses to same sex couples get to spend eternity.

“Verily,” Jesus spake, “there is no television and no Internet and these folks already proveth they can’t read.”

There were a couple of small cabins he said were for Muslim clerks who would not issue liquor licenses and Quaker clerks who would not issue gun permits.

Behind the cabins was a humongous building that reminded me of Fritz Lang’s Metropolis.

I asked who would spend eternity there? And the long-haired, bearded dude in sandals explained they needed a lot of room for the clerks who had religious scruples about interracial marriages where white people wanted to marry black people or Indians.

“They seemeth,” he pointed out, “to be copasetic with blacks and Indians marrying each other.” He also noted their complaint that when the Supreme Court legalized those sinful marriages in 1967 “that was nine unelected federal judges trampling on the rights of the states.”

Why, I asked, did Jesus care about states’ rights?

“I don’t,” he replied, “any more than I care who wins a ball game. But when you have as many egomaniacal self-appointed chosen people as I do, you have to take tiny steps toward reality.”

Pope Frank announced streamlined procedures for Roman Catholics to seek annulment of their marriages. The grounds the church allows make an annulment easier to get than a divorce was in the days before no-fault. The New York Times claimed that about a fourth of Catholics are divorced and only a fourth of those even tried to seek an annulment. The new procedures are aimed at a judgment within 30 days---quicker than a divorce in most states.

In other hypocrisy news, the U.S. continues to send our kids to war and fail to take care of them when they get hurt. The Department of Veterans Affairs Inspector General reported that 307,000 veterans eligible for VA health care died while waiting for their eligibility to be determined so they could ask for appointments. That is more than three times the number of combat deaths in Korea, Vietnam, Iraq, and Afghanistan combined.

The New York Times reported that West Point cadets have “weaponized” the annual pillow fight first noticed by authorities in 1897. Various items concealed in pillowcases brought results described in a participant tweet, “4 concussions, 1 broken leg, 2 broken arms, 1 dislocated shoulder, and several broken ribs. That’s one hell of a pillow fight.”

When a number of cadets had to seek medical care, the Academy did a door to door run though the barracks and gave concussion checks, turning up 30 concussions.

This is the biggest military academy body count since the annual snowball fight at the Air Force Academy resulted in 27 cadets needing medical treatment for “concussions, cuts, broken bones, and a bite wound.”

The pillows and the snowballs are traditions of freshmen. Having recently retired from university teaching, I am reminded that these people are selected for being really smart and, in the case of the military academies, physically fit—but freshmen are still teenagers. West Point has no plans to discipline anybody.

“Weaponized pillows?” Cousin Ray was briefly puzzled, but decided it was a teenage version of the Kobayashi Maru test.

The Contra Costa Times reported on an impending custody battle over Chip, a chicken that was rescued out of the heavy traffic on the San Francisco Bay Bridge by the California Highway Patrol (hence, the name “Chip”). The fowl that flew somebody’s coop is currently a resident of the Oakland Animal Shelter. NBC East Bay added that the shelter has been contacted by five people seeking their missing chicken. The shelter wants photos or vet records, since Chip is not microchipped.

So far, efforts to identify Chip have laid an egg, as has Chip, but two rescue organizations have stepped up to offer a home in case none of the five claimants can prove connection to the feathered fugitive. The shelter intends to replace Chip’s egg with a fake for her sitting pleasure “because we don’t want any more chickens.” Cousin Ray wanted to know if any of the claimants is named Sanders, but I am not informed.

The Washington Post reported that Jennifer Cramblett’s wrongful birth lawsuit has been thrown out by an Illinois judge. She and her partner, Amanda Zinkon, went shopping at a sperm bank and picked out donor 380. They got donor 330. Ms. Cramblett is white and donor 330 is black, so she is complaining that her all-white community and the unconscious racism of her family make the situation unpleasant and that she has to go to a black neighborhood to get her daughter’s hair done.

Most wrongful birth cases involve birth defects but this little girl is perfectly healthy. I’m thinking that no matter what happens to this stupid lawsuit, the child will some day find out about it. Now, that is unpleasant.

The drone genie is full-on out of the bottle. Foreign Policy reported two nations reported firsts this week. Pakistan reported its first drone kill, apparently with a Chinese derived machine. Britain reported a targeted strike that successfully killed two British nationals who were fighting for ISIS. “Good for the Brits,” Cousin Ray spat, “for taking out their own trash.”

Erin Thompson of John Jay College published an op-ed in The Crime Report where she suggested that ISIS using Twitter to demonstrate that they destroy UNESCO World Heritage sites with impunity can be looked at another way, as evidence of war crimes. ISIS will lose, so there should be a reckoning.

Business Insider reported on a new wrinkle in the U.S. fondness for conspiracy theories. Unlike the assassinations of JFK and RFK, MLK, and Malcom X, and unlike the Great Hoax of September 11, 2001, when various innocent civilians were duped by the all-powerful government into taking part, the latest conspiracy involves not just patsies, but paid “crisis actors.”

The shootings on live TV in Virginia, in Aurora, at Sandy Hook Elementary School, were all a part of the government conspiracy to take your guns. The shootings did not happen but you have to believe they happened, so it’s necessary for the government to hire actors to play the part of grieving relatives.

“I see.” Cousin Ray made a face like he had just chomped an unripe persimmon. “So these people who lost their kids are just like those actors Donald Trump hired to pad the crowd at his announcement?”

A new Quinnipiac poll has Bernie Sanders leading Hillary Clinton in Iowa. He was already leading in New Hampshire.

As important, the fix put in the debate schedule by Democratic Chair Debbie Wasserman-Schultz may be coming undone, as two vice chairs came up agreeing with Martin O'Malley's point if not his language (“rigged”) that six debates v. eleven for the GOP is not in the Democratic Party’s or the country’s interests.

What about Indian country’s interests? Totally at issue but never debated.

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