We're gonna need a bigger golf cart.

How Did I Miss That? Gator Goliath; Monkees Shine

Steve Russell

Fox Sports reported (with video) that an alligator approximately 15 feet in length strolled across Buffalo Creek Golf Course in Palmetto, Florida. Charles Helm of Sarasota interrupted his game to video the humongous creature and listen to other golfers reacting.

I showed the video to my cousin Ray Sixkiller, who just yawned and asked if that was Albert or Alberta? I had to debrief Ray to understand the question.

Albert E. Gator is the mascot of the University of Florida. Alberta cheers for the women. Albert and Alberta have been costumed students since 1970. Before that they were the real deal, and Ray figured they were having a casting call to protect Albert’s 2007 ranking by Sports Illustrated number one in “Mascot Power Rankings.”

In professional sports, the Seattle Mariners website reported good news and bad news.

The good news was that Mariners designated hitter Nelson Cruz just became the first batter to hit a ball entirely out of Safeco Field.

The bad news was that the epic wallop was in batting practice.

Who needs sports in a presidential election year?

Bill Kristol, the neocon editor of the neocon organ, The Weekly Standard, tweeted that what is left of the Republican establishment has found an independent candidate and the money to stop Donald J. Trump.

Kristol did not name the suspect, but at this column’s deadline, speculation centered on David French of Tennessee, an Iraq veteran and a very smart, very conservative guy who has less name identification than the mustard of the same name.

Name identification can be bought, but on the national level the price is very high and the process is freighted with the danger of being branded by the other side before you can establish your own brand. This high risk strategy would pose no threat if Trump had a professional operation, but he does not and he keeps claiming he has no need of such conventional gewgaws and the number of conventional politicians he clobbered in the primary is proof.

Kristol’s tweet set off a Trumpian Twitterstorm, calling Kristol a “dummy” and a “loser.”

Cousin Ray observed that a critical employee of President Trump would be Keeper of the Presidential Twitter Account. “There’s no truth to the rumor,” he added, “that he’ll save money by replacing the State Department with Twitter.”

The Washington Post reported that the Council of Islamic Ideology (CII), powerful clerics who advise the Pakistani government, has produced a report claiming husbands have a right to “lightly beat” their wives for certain kinds of disobedience and it is “un-Islamic” for a woman to take refuge in a battered women’s shelter.

Justifications for beating include “if she defies his commands and refuses to dress up as per his desires; turns down demand of intercourse without any religious excuse or does not take bath after intercourse or menstrual periods” or she fails to cover her face in public or “interacts with strangers; speaks loud enough that she can easily be heard by strangers.”

Asked by reporters if he wanted to explain that, CII Chairman Muhammad Kahn Sherani said beating should be a last resort and the husband was obligated to warn his wife first and give her a chance to obey.

“Why didn’t he say so in the first place,” Cousin Ray erupted, “if he thinks that makes wife beating all better?”

The U.S. Geological Survey announced that two new lava flows are rolling down Kilauea on Hawai’i’s Big Island, but there’s no imminent danger. One of my brothers, another Cherokee of the Teehee family, lives in the shadow of Kilauea and he assured me it’s no big deal.

If you wish to draw your own conclusions, the USGS has restored film of Kilauea’s 1959-60 eruption. It shows lava flows of “up to 20 miles per hour.”

One of the lava fountains erupted 700 feet “in a matter of seconds” and visitors to the Volcanoes National Park are warned that the fountains can “change direction in a matter of seconds.” The highest lava fountain ever recorded in Hawai’i was at Kilauea: 1,900 feet.

Buzzworthy reported that Gary Gostecnik, 71, of Pattison, Texas was trapped in his home by the Brazos River, which crested at a record 53.5 feet after going dry just two years ago. With the death toll from the flood clicking toward double digits, it seemed prudent to wait it out when the water surrounded him on May 27.

On May 30, he could not stand it anymore. He hauled himself aboard his John Deere 8630 farm tractor and set off across the endless lake his land had become. Crossing the Brazos at the San Felipe bridge, he attained the object of his desire: Whataburger.

Whataburger is a Texas chain that started in Corpus Christi and Texans consider Whataburgers a basic food group like In and Out burgers are in California. Always a good neighbor, Gostecnik bought a sack of Whataburgers for his neighbors before he headed back though the flood.

This story made Cousin Ray hungry. He took my Whataburger order and offered a not very original comment: “Nothing runs like a Deere.”

All the TV stations in Texas seemed to have picked up on some irresistible video. Somebody hacked into one of the Transportation Department’s computerized road signs and left it flashing:


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