Like identical twins, this pair.

How Did I Miss That? Trump Hair Explained; Russophobia

Steve Russell

Stephen King tweeted an explanation for Donald Trump’s famous hair. King speculated that Trump is in fact Cthulhu and the function of the famous head rug is “to hide the tentacles.” 

Cthulu’s angry denial came from @cthulu4america along with the news that Cthulhu will run for president with the slogan, “Why choose the lesser evil?” The Dread Lord tweeted a photo of his yard sign: “Vote Best Evil.” 

In focus groups, “Why choose the lesser evil?” narrowly defeated “End History” for the Cthulhu ticket that will be balanced by Nyarlathotep aka the Crawling Chaos. 

“Unlike my opponents,” Cthulhu argued, “I see all humans as equally worthless sacks of meat.  Self-identified monster bigotry much end.”

His education platform promises to “make it our mission to put a Necronomicon on every bookshelf.” He would prioritize giving children “the tools they need to summon the apocalypse.”

Cthulhu’s campaign website offers lots of political swag featuring self-evident truth, “No Lives Matter!” Speculation on the Dark One’s choice for Secretary of State centered on his first high profile endorser, Henry Kissinger.

Cthulhu, having no nationality, can run wherever he pleases by threatening to devour any bureaucrat who denied him a spot on the ballot. He last ran for president of Poland in 2010, but was defeated in an early round by Hastur the Unspeakable.

Most pundits believe the outcome in the Polish race explains why Cthulhu did not run in the Republican primary.

Newsweek front-paged a lengthy investigative report on Donald Trump’s overseas business dealings that appear to make conflicts of interest in a President Trump administration unavoidable and not fixable by the customary method, a blind trust.

In most of the deals, Trump is getting paid millions of dollars for the right to use his name.

Writing news articles about Trump has been challenging because he lies so much. If an article digressed to track down each lie, nobody would read it, but when he’s allowed to lie with impunity the reporter appears to be in the tank for Trump. This sentence construction solves the problem when it can be used:

He later denied making that statement, which was video-recorded.

The Rochester Democrat and Chronicle reported that Assemblyman Bill Nojay, a four-year incumbent, was scheduled to appear in federal court September 9 on fraud charges but instead committed suicide. In spite of his death, Nojay beat a living candidate, Rick Milne, in the Republican Primary. The dead candidate was polling 58 percent of the vote with 88 percent of the districts counted.

My Republican Cousin Ray Sixkiller was not shocked that somebody accused of fraud could win, “but I was pretty sure that being dead would slow him down.”

Keith Olbermann is not dead, but his audience has shrunk every time he burned another media bridge.

Some people used to call Olbermann the Rush Limbaugh of the left, and maybe he would have been if the left ever had a Rush Limbaugh. He is certainly as far left as Limbaugh is right. He embarrassed MSNBC by making political contributions his bosses had not vetted.

His major long-term contribution to political discourse in the U.S. was discovering Rachael Maddow. His weak spot is that he is reputed so strongly to be an egotistical asshole that it does not matter whether it’s true because people he was not met believe it.

He’s been fired from places where people line up to work, and he swings back and forth between politics and sports because he’s an authority on baseball.

His latest gig is for GQ, and I’m not clear what his job is but he is posting short commentaries on the Internet. One of his first was not exactly short, but it’s like watching a car wreck that just keeps happening. It’s called “176 reasons Donald Trump should not be president” and it’s all done in Trump’s words.

WLOS reported that five people were arrested at a Donald Trump rally in Asheville, North Carolina, and arrest warrants are outstanding for two more. One of the warrants was reportedly for Richard Campbell of Edisto Island, South Carolina for assaulting 69-year-old Shirley Teter, who uses a portable oxygen mask.

When punched in the face, Teter fell on her oxygen tank, but her injuries were not serious. After being interviewed by WLOS News 13, she followed up with a phone call to the station asking if they could ask Trump supporters whether punching her in the face was “deplorable?”

“When the cops serve that warrant,” Cousin Ray observed, “they’ll need to know which basket he goes in.”

Mediaite reported on former Texas Gov. Rick Perry’s debut on Dancing With the Stars. I’m not a fan of the show or the man, but I had heard that Perry was running dead last in Las Vegas odds, so that naturally earned him a knee jerk underdog point.

His professional coach, Emma Slater, suggested it was an advantage to be “building his dancing from the bottom up.” His first assignment was the cha-cha. Give him another underdog point.

This is a guy with zero experience who looks at training up for the competition as a chance to learn some presentable moves for his daughter’s wedding. Give the man another underdog point.

Set decoration is a corn dog stand? Music is God Bless Texas? Give the man all the underdog points! Well, maybe not all. Take back one because he was a “yell leader” at Texas A & M University. Aggies do not “cheer.” They “yell.”

Rick Perry has finally found his niche and it’s not in Washington, D.C. Judges’ comments on his routine told the story from “not exactly subtle” to “when in doubt—go full out!” Props to Gov. Rick for going full out and living to dance another week.

“Every day he’s practicing,” Cousin Ray nodded approvingly, “is a day he’s not campaigning for Donald Trump.”

Time reported on how to turn a prank into a felony. Cody Morris, 18, was observed using a water cup for soda pop in a Springdale, Arkansas McDonald’s. At that point, he needed to pay for the soda if the management would allow that or face a minor theft charge. Instead, he ran outside and got into his car. He then backed into pursuing Mickey D employees. Theft plus violence equals robbery and robbery is a felony. Instead of a small fine, Morris is now facing prison time.

Cousin Ray played the irony card: “Everybody knows how comfortable Arkansas prisons are.”

In a press release, the Kremlin accused President Barack Obama of “playing the Russia card” against Donald Trump and encouraging “Russophobia.”

“Those guys,” Cousin Ray chuckled, “pay more attention to how we talk than they did in the fifties.

Agence France-Presse reported that an individual named Alay Dave has brought a lawsuit in a Gujarati, India court to have Pokemon Go banned for blasphemy. The complaint is that the game offends the religious sensibilities of Hindus and Jains because it rewards players with virtual eggs. Jains are vegan and many Hindus are vegetarian.

In related news, a Russian blogger has been criminally charged with offending religious believers and inciting hatred because he filmed himself playing Pokemon Go in a church.

“There is no truth to the rumor,” Cousin Ray intoned seriously, “that the Russian has asked Donald Trump to intercede with Vladimir Putin.”

I was having a good laugh at what those Asian Indians consider offensive until I noticed a report in the Raleigh Agenda that the North Carolina Department of Transportation sent Lori Ann Phillips a letter threatening to revoke her custom license plate that she has used since 2004 because somebody complained it was “offensive and in poor taste.”

I would like to report the “offensive” plate was “R______” but in fact it was “KUMQUAT.” Ms. Phillips is in the habit of naming her vehicles and getting personalized plates not for herself but for the vehicle. Kumquat follows a truck named Papaya. She has in the past driven Mango and Peaches.

In Australia, her current vehicle would be spelled Cumquat, which might have caused some confusion but NCDOT has, since the publicity, announced on Twitter that they “verified that kumquat is in fact a fruit” and so the plate will not be revoked.

Cousin Ray wanted to know if they referred the complainant to mental health services?

Democracy Now! reported that California Gov. Jerry Brown has signed a bill that will mandate overtime for farm workers who work over 40 hours a week…by 2019. The Fair Labor Standards Act did that for most people in 1938. The National Labor Relations Act protected the right to join a union for most people in 1935, but farm workers were cut out of that as well, and that is why César Chávez asked us to boycott table grapes in the sixties. With no right to strike, the consumer boycott became a weapon.

Back in the day, I guess I was as offended by scab grapes as a Jain in Gujarat would be offended by a virtual egg.

You need to be logged in in order to post comments
Please use the log in option at the bottom of this page