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"Hey Candy Corn Head!" Here are Hilarious Comebacks For WalMart Native-Appropriating Halloween Costumes

Native Humor: Comebacks For WalMart Native-Appropriating Halloween Costumes

Vincent Schilling
10/29/16

Here we go again. As October 31st nears and Halloween costumes make their way into our neighborhoods and office parties, we at ICTMN thought we’d arm our readers with a few comeback lines to anyone a costume that appropriates Native culture.

We searched WalMart online (to be fair - they are far from the only offender) and pulled a few costumes of their site to use as examples.

Here are  smart-aleck comeback lines to eight of Walmart’s appropriating American Indian Halloween costumes.

I’m dressing up like an exotic Native woman warrior!

Listed as INDIAN GIRL ADULT WOMENS COSTUME on WalMart.com

If someone walks around in this terrible and offensive “Indian Girl Adult Womens Costume,” here are a few comeback lines:

Seriously? If my grandma saw me dress like that, she’d make me walk out and choose my very own swatting switch off a tree.

Are you going to chop rubber bark off a rubber tree with your offensive rubber tomahawk?

Your ancestors are currently apologizing to my ancestors for this.

Like my feathers?

Listed as Indian Native American Feather Headband Headpiece Head Accessory Costume on WalMart.com

Umm...hippie much?

If Donald Trump moves his comb the wrong way, his hair looks like that.

How do you like my choker?

Listed as Western Authentic Indian Costume Choker One Size on WalMart.com

It really should be a “Choke-Him,” based on the way I feel right now seeing you wear that.

I am so glad to see my Native culture has suffered genocide for 500 years to see you wear a plastic necklace crudely made in another country to honor American Indians.

I’m an American Indian!

Listed as Suede Indian Girl Costume on WalMart.com

(To the parents)

What does your child want to be when they grow up... other than a racially insensitive appropriator?

Ummm...no, no your kid really isn’t, unless they are ready to suffer from the highest rates of heart disease, diabetes, cancer and are ready to use that rubber spear to hunt a rubber goose or something.

Those boots are to die for... well, your land is actually.

I love my Running Bull Costume!

Listed as Running Bull Indian Child Costume on WalMart.com

(To the parents)

Well, more like Running Bulls**t.

Don’t you mean Sitting Bull? But you wouldn’t know that because that is ACTUAL Native history.

I’m Pocahontas!

Listed as Pocahontas Indian Princess Costume on WalMart.com

Wow! You don’t look nine years old at all!!

I see you don’t have a baby with you - which is historically accurate when Pocahontas was taken to the colonists and her young Native husband was killed and was forced to leave her baby behind!

Hey, it’s Betty Rubble!

How do you like my Indian Braids Wig?

Listed as Indian Braid Wig on WalMart.com

Did you get that hair from a life-sized stuffed animal buffalo?

Can I touch your rope? I mean hair?

Damn I look good! What do you think of my Headdress?

Listed as Red, White & Orange American Indian Headdress with Trailer on WalMart.com

Sir, may I just say that I hate you?

You look like a bad version of a guy wearing elongated Halloween Candy Corns.

Is it ok if I send you to the front lines of DAPL?

To ALL of the offenders

Wasn’t your great-great-great-great-great-grandmother …. Embarrassed?

 

Follow ICTMN’s Arts and Entertainment, Pow Wow’s and Sports Editor Vincent Schilling (Akwesasne Mohawk) on Twitter - @VinceSchilling

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Sammy7's picture
Sammy7
Submitted by Sammy7 on
Hey great, your dressed for the self sacrifice. We are driven by five genetic needs, which four are you missing? Please keep your half of the death pact bargain!
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