Royal Danish Air Force
Oh, Ellen. Your Oscars selfie was so cute.

How Did I Miss That? Missile-Launch Selfies; Just Say No to Sex in Texas

Steve Russell

Cousin Ray Sixkiller was shocked that The Lone Ranger did not win the only Oscar for which it was nominated, best makeup. “Can you imagine,” he asked, “how much longer it took to get Johnny Depp ready than Jay Silverheels with one coiffeur for Depp and another for the bird?”

During the Oscars show, Ellen Degeneres attempted the “ultimate selfie” by putting herself in a circle of movie stars. This Air Force veteran says nice try, Ellen, but fighter pilots have started taking selfies at the moment of a missile launch. “The cost of a Sidewinder missile,” Cousin Ray reminded me, “is $664,933.” OK, not a good idea to launch for a selfie, but if you are launching anyway…?

USA Today reported that “a giant virus” has been released alive by climate change after being trapped in Siberian permafrost for 30,000 years. Christened Pithovirus, this one will not infect humans, but scientists think it probable others will be released. Cousin Ray wondered if the zombie viruses would infect people who don’t believe in climate change?

The usual suspects, led by the Wall Street Journal, have set out the rationale for fighting with Russia over Vladimir Putin’s decision to reverse Nikita Khrushchev’s 1954 placement of the ethnically Russian Crimea with the Ukraine Soviet Republic rather than the Russian Soviet Republic. “If we must have another charge of the light brigade,” Cousin Ray suggested, “how about we send drones into the valley of death? Surely we have 600 drones?”

Foreign Policy reports that the US Marine Corps has restored the “right to bare arms,” rescinding an unpopular order against rolled up uniform sleeves less than three years since it was issued. “OOH-rah,” Cousin Ray said, “better keep those Devil Dogs happy if there’s going to be a fight with Russia.”

The Washington Post reported that Annapolis Police Chief Michael A. Pristoop enlivened a Maryland State Senate hearing on legalization of marijuana when he cited a satire from The Daily Currant claiming that 37 Coloradans had died of marijuana overdose on the first day of legalization, leading Cousin Ray to speculate “maybe Chief Pristoop was testifying while stoned?”

LiveScience reported a study that used computer simulation to debunk historical claims that Sultan Moulay Ismail of Morocco (1634-1727) fathered 1,171 children by four wives and 500 concubines. The debunking failed when the study reported—based on 32 years of his reign when the number of children was alleged rather than his actual reign of 55 years---that he would have had to have sex between .83 and 1.43 times a day and he would have needed not more than 110 women. “Why,” Cousin Ray smirked, “did they use computer simulation?”


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dlmullan's picture
Submitted by dlmullan on
On that virus--it was found 100 feet into the permafrost in Siberia. So maybe not global warming, but mining and drilling could certainly release long-frozen germs. has the details.

swrussel's picture
Submitted by swrussel on
Thank you for proving that USA Today may not be the best source for science news. I do think, though, that the methane releases in northern climes are proving the permafrost not to be so perma, so they may wind up being correct in the same way a broken clock is twice a day.